


Strangers in the Night

by Coconutice22



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (previous) Sam/Jessica, AU, Destiel endgame, F/M, Lawyer!Sam Winchester, M/M, One Night Stands, Paramedic!Castiel, Top Castiel, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, as if s02e20 What is and what should never be was real, cop!Dean Winchester - Freeform, tfwbigbang2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 15:08:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16020443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coconutice22/pseuds/Coconutice22
Summary: When his life in San Francisco takes an unexpected turn, Sam decides to move back to Kansas with the hope of mending his relationship with his brother. Sam must now learn how to navigate the turbulent waters of his future while coming to terms with the demons of his past.Along the way Sam meets a mysterious stranger, Castiel – a man hopelessly besotted with his rather oblivious best friend.But there's more to Castiel than meets the eye, and a secret hanging over all their heads that could unravel everything they’ve worked so hard to build.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _A Destiel AU set within the world of Season 2, Episode 20, “What Is and What Should Never Be” as if that was always their reality. This is set around over a decade on from where we last left the boys..._
> 
> Written for the Team Free Will Big Bang 2018! I'm indebted to the fest organisers and to my wonderful beta reader [OddSocksAndStuff](https://oddsocksandstuff.tumblr.com/) who has been a fantastic hand-holder throughout this experience. All remaining mistakes are my own.
> 
> And also huge, huge thanks to the very talented [vampire-on-my-shoulder](https://vampire-on-my-shoulder.tumblr.com/) who provided all the beautiful art here. The [art master post can be found here](https://vampire-on-my-shoulder.tumblr.com/post/178185756075/written-by-perfackles-art-by)

* * *

 

“It’s a break-up, Sammy, not the end of your life. You’ll bounce back.”

“It wasn’t meant to be like this.” Sam finished carefully wrapping another photo frame in newspaper. He went to put it in the box and let out a long sigh when he saw it was already too full. Instead he picked up the tape dispenser and shut the box up. “We were engaged, that’s not _just_ an anything.”

Dean shrugged. “Shit happens.” He flicked up another peanut and caught it in his mouth.

Standing up, Sam reached for the ceiling and stretched out his back. “Whole point of you coming down was to help me pack, Dean.”

“I am helping – emotional support is very important.” He punctuated his sentence by tossing up another peanut. Sam crossed his arms and watched judgingly as Dean choked for a moment on the peanut. Dean coughed and spluttered, rolling forwards and coughing harder again until the nut moved.

“I’m okay,” he wheezed. “Went down the wrong way. Thanks for the care and help there.”

Sam rolled his eyes and went back to packing. He was nearly done now. Jess had made it easier on him by already taking her stuff while he’d been away. While he’d been hiding at the office under the cover that he’d needed to tie up loose ends on all his cases.

“Why do I have three copies of Usher’s _Confession_ album?”

“Do you even have a CD player now?” Dean looked around the half-packed apartment.

He didn’t, and with that Sam put all three copies into the box of stuff to be donated.

“I think one was a gift, one must have been Jessica’s–”

“Ahhh the She Demon! We aren’t speaking that name.”

“ _Dean!_ ”

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam. He was at least eating the peanuts by the handful now.

“I still… still,” Sam sighed and pushed his hair back off his face. “I have feelings for her.”

“She left you.”

“I wasn’t exactly the greatest fiance.” Dean hadn’t ever asked what happened, what the final straw was. Sam had no easy answer to give and didn’t feel like going into it right there and then.

“Dear Saint Jess,” Dean huffed.

“Yeah… yeah.” Sam’s voice cracked and his grip on the five DVD cases he had in hand tightened.

“Listen, Sammy, we’ll get you moved back. It might feel shitty right now, but six months from now, you’re going to look back and see this was just first step to a new phase in your life.”

“That is very zen of you.”

“Bitch.”

“Jerk.”

Sam laughed despite the sadness in his heart. It was a hollow feeling. He didn’t know in that moment to voice the love for his brother he had. Despite everything they’d been through, despite the fact they’d basically ignored each other for most of their adult years, Dean had still driven out to help him pack up his stuff.

Dean had stolen from him, slept with his girlfriend, all around not been the greatest big brother in the world. But the moment he’d heard from Sam that he was planning on packing up and leaving town, he’d said “It’ll be okay, Sammy,” and there he was two days later with donuts.

It was probably a stupid idea, moving all the way back to Kansas. Sam knew he’d have more job opportunities in California. But after living with Jess in San Francisco for so long, Sam didn’t think he would be able to move on emotionally while still living in the area.

“Can you go pick up the U-Haul, Dean?” Parking being what it was on his street, Sam hadn’t wanted to get the thing any earlier than necessary. He didn’t want to trust Dean with finishing off the packing though.

In the back of his mind Sam was thinking about times in the past. Times he wouldn’t have dared ask this of Dean. When his first question would have been _can you legally rent a U-Haul?_ Dean’s problems with alcohol after their dad’s death had definitely been a turning point for the older Winchester brother.

“Yeah, yeah, I can.” Dean slid off the table he’d been sat off, looked around for his keys. His hand hovered over them before he looked guiltily up at Sam.

“I er,” Dean hesitated.

Sam drew breath in, though what was he going to say? Dean had to have a clean license for his current job, unless he’d been lying to them about that in which case–

“No hitch on my car though. Can I take yours?” Sam picked up the note of hesitance in Dean’s voice. Almost like he didn’t think Sam would say yes.

Oh.

“Yeah, no problem. The keys are on the table by the door.” The table that was destined for Goodwill since neither he nor Jess were attached to it. It was a strange feeling knowing that today would be the last day he’d see that table.

The silence of the apartment got to Sam in the time Dean was out. Even if Dean wasn’t being useful, just having him there, a familiar anchor in a sea of uneasiness, had somehow made the process better. Sam had tried to be practical, tried to tell himself to just think of the next step, then the next, one at a time until he made it to the end. Stopping to think about the unknowns of the future was too fretful a thought.

Dean returned and working together they were soon able to fill up the trailer with the already packed boxes. Sam had shoved most of his clothes into the two suitcases he had. It was a disquieting feeling to know that he could pack up so much of his life, of the last half decade, into a few boxes and feel like he was done with it.

“When’s the agent coming over to sign you out of this place?” Dean looked around, over at the practically empty apartment.

“Tomorrow afternoon. Jess is coming by tonight to check through anything else left, she said she’d clean a bit since she took the vacuum with her to her new place, and then tomorrow she’ll sign the final paperwork. I just need to drop off the stuff for Goodwill and I’m done.”

He stood against the wall and let gravity drag him down until he was sitting, knees bent, heart heavy.

“I’m telling ya, you’ll love coming back home.”

Sam wasn’t sure. _Sounds fake but okay_ , was the reply on the tip of his tongue. All he knew was that he couldn’t have stayed here much longer. He didn’t have the energy to argue with Dean that _this_ was his home. Not Kansas – not any longer.

Jess had left. He’d quit his job. Said goodbye to his buddies in the area. And only now, in the place he’d lived in the last two years, did it all seem to hit exactly what he’d done. Exactly what he was facing.

“Sometimes a good clean out is just what you need.”

Sam nodded his head, agreeing but not really feeling it. He felt all sorts of numb, if he had to put a word to it.

“How’d I become such a fuck up overnight, Dean?”

“What?” Dean frowned. “Uh, since never? There’s only  room for one fuck up in this family and that’s clearly me, so stop trying to steal my sunshine.”

“You’ve… you’ve come a long way, Dean. From when we were kids, you know? Stop being harsh on yourself. Out of the both of us, you own your own home and have a career you love. I’m basically homeless... am homeless.”

“You’re never homeless so long as I got a roof over my head, okay? Stop being a Crying Clara and let’s get this show on the road.”

He was stiff from all the packing and the focus on getting things done. It felt surreal locking the door up and hiding the key on top of the door frame. He wouldn’t have normally ever done that, but given the apartment was empty, and this way he avoided a last awkward goodbye with Jess, he was prepared to let it slide.

“You got the address for the place we’re staying tonight?” They’d decided to split the drive up with a night’s stop. They weren’t young men in their 20s anymore and the idea of driving straight through all the way back felt like insanity.

“Yeah, though still don’t see why we couldn’t have gone to Vegas. Just what you need.”

Sam didn’t have enough energy left to react to Dean in any way and let the words wash over him.

“I booked the rooms in my name at the motel. Since I’m hauling this thing I’ll probably be behind you. See you there?”

Dean placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder and squeezed gently. “You got this.”

Sam took a deep breathe. “I got this,” he agreed. If only because he didn’t see that he had any other choice. “And Dean?”

Dean turned back around to look at Sam, one leg in his car as he rested both arms on the top of the open door. “Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming up, it… it means a lot.”

“Pfffft,” and an eye roll was Dean’s only response. He revved up his engine and had pulled away before Sam even finished putting the coordinates into his GPS.

*******

They stopped for the evening six hours into their drive. Despite the U-Haul on the back, Sam made it in just before Dean had.

“I keep telling you, you need to replace that car. The mileage is crap.”

“This car is a classic!” Dean shot Sam a hurt look.

Sam rolled his eyes. “A classic sign of how bad gas consumption used to be, maybe.”

“Look, we going for food or are you just going to keep bitching at me?”

“Lead the way,” Sam gestured to the front of the bar and followed in Dean’s wake.

The bar was exactly the kind of place Sam would expect Dean to drag him. It was the type of divebar he hadn’t been to in years. The onion rings were greasy and the beer was chilled though.

Sam noticed Dean watching a couple make out near the pool table. Their waitress seemed unworried about it and squeezed past them en route to delivering their food.

Sam rolled his eyes again as he noticed Dean winking at the waitress. At least that hadn’t changed about Dean in the years they’d been living apart.

“You really not going to ask?”

“Ask what?” Dean mumbled through a mouthful of fries.

“What happened with me and Jess.”

Dean shrugged. “None of my business.”

“Seriously?” Sam was tired and he knew his emotions were close to the surface. For weeks he hadn’t wanted to talk about it, spent so long trying to skirt around the exact whys of the situation with their mom. Now he felt annoyed Dean didn’t want to talk about it.

“What do you want me to say, Sam? You were engaged for over ten years with no wedding. Clearly things weren’t all that great.”

Sam blinked. “I, uh.” He put his food down. That wasn’t a connection he’d made in his mind. To him and Jess they’d been _saving_ for the wedding all this time. “Wait, you think that’s why she left me?”

“Isn’t it? Some people like commitment.” Dean sighed. “You know, beyond a space in your closet and all.”

Apparently Dean’s ex was still a soft spot then.

“No, I mean, maybe?” Sam whined. “I didn’t want kids,” he blurted. “She did. Somehow we’d never discussed it and then it came up and...”

“Cool.” Dean nodded and went back to his burger.

“Cool? I’ve been freaking out for weeks about whether I should tell you that!”

“Why?”

“Don’t you think I’m... less of a man or something?”

Dean leaned over the table and wrapped his knuckles on Sam’s skull. “Funny, not hollow after all.” He sat back. “Again, what the fuck, Sammy? Why would I think that?”

“I don’t know.” Sam shook his head gently side to side, frown blossoming on his face.

He really didn’t know why. It just seemed a really Dean-thing. “Isn’t it the point of humanity? Reproduce and leave a bit of yourself behind?”

“Wow, oh wow. I thought living in this hippy city would have left you a little more enlightened than that. Life’s what you make of it, Sam. Be that kids or a weird seahorse fetish thing. That’s what Cas has always said.”

It didn’t seem to Sam to be the kind of thing Dean’s ex Cassie would say, but Sam realized he hadn’t known her very long. Dean hadn’t even dated her very long either. If dating was even the right term for what the two of them had gotten up to. A series of one night stands with breakfast sometimes was probably more apt.

“You gonna finish those fries?”

Sam pushed his mostly still full basket over. “Here.” He wasn’t much interested in eating right then anyway.

“You don’t have to come back, you know.”

“I wanna. I wanna come home.”

Dean chuckled. “Never thought I’d hear you call Kansas home again.”

Sam agreed with him. “I woke up one day and everything just felt off. Like it wasn’t my life and my skin itched because nothing seemed to fit right. San Francisco's been great and all but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life there.”

“Oh,” Dean said with some surprise. Sam could understand why. They hadn’t exactly had a real heart-to-heart in… in, well, probably ever.

“All I wanted to do was be back with you and Mom.”

“Is that what you told Jess?” Dean’s eyebrow was raised.

“I suggested it to her, maybe moving. She… she was not keen. Then we had this whole _thing_. Talked about the future, what we wanted. Just turned out it wasn’t the same thing.”

Dean wiped the grease off his fingers with a paper napkin. “It’ll get better. You’re scared now because you don’t know what’s coming. You’ve defined yourself by your work for so long that’s gotta be scary too, just quitting like that. But I’m here for you, Sammy. You ain’t doing this alone. Life isn’t ever perfect. We always want things we can’t have,” Dean’s eyes flicked briefly to the couple cuddled up in a nearby booth, “but then again, we are the Winchesters. If we ever got everything we wanted–”

“The world would probably implode,” Sam joked darkly. He felt though like someone was squeezing his throat as the emotion built. “Thanks, Dean,” he choked out, feeling such a rush of gratitude and love for his brother. Emotions tinged with some regret that he’d held Dean at arm’s length for so many years.

Yeah, it sucked how much he missed Jess. And it sucked that their engagement was over and he’d effectively thrown away the life he’d spent so many years building, but being in the bar with Dean felt _right_ , felt _natural_ in a way nothing had in so long.

It felt little by little like he was going home again.


	2. Chapter 2

The couch was comfortable and safe. The couch didn’t expect Sam to figure out his life. The couch did hurt his back a little, but that might have had more to do with the three hours he’d spent in the same prone position.

“Honey, I’m home!” Dean walked in through the front door and threw his keys on the side table. He walked into the living room, sorting through a handful of post Sam supposed he’d picked up from the mailbox outside. “Budge up, you big lug.”

When Sam didn’t move quickly enough, Dean sat down on his feet. Sam yelped and then finally shifted his feet away. Blood rushed from his head as he finally sat up.

“How the job hunt go today?” Dean asked casually, opening up a letter.

“Uh,” Sam’s brain started to reboot. “Yeah, yeah… it’s gone really well. I put in an application for one place, helping out at an NGO who deal with–”

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t get any of that law stuff. But I’m happy for you. You’re happy, I’m happy.”

The battery on Sam’s laptop had died a couple of hours ago and he’d meant to get up to plug it in but time had gotten away from him. Time spent watching some shopping channel with the sound off. Zoning out on the smiling hosts while pretending everything was wonderful was easier than trying to figure out why he didn’t feel like he wanted to practice law anymore. School, grad school, internships, days, weeks, months of not sleeping, the debt (oh the debt), so he could achieve his dream. And suddenly there he was at 35 years old, sleeping in his brother’s spare room, questioning where he’d gone wrong.

“You’re home early,” Sam tried. “Good shift?”

Dean frowned. “I’m home normal time. You forgot what a clock looks like, Sammy?”

Sam ruffled his hair to try and disperse some of the flatness that had built up from his afternoon sofa adventures.

“I probably just fell asleep.”

“This must be the least active you’ve ever been,” Dean chuckled. “Enjoying it?”

Sam shrugged one shoulder. “Not hating it.” Though he hated how after only a week at Dean’s place he felt like he was moving through molasses all the time. His brain didn’t feel sharp like it used to. At first he’d put it down to fatigue from the move, but several days on, it just felt a lot like apathy.

“Eaten much?”

Sam’s half-eaten bowl of cereal from the morning was still on the coffee table.

“Enough,” Sam answered. It seemed safer than a potential lecture on self-care.

“Some of the guys from the precinct are getting together tonight for dinner. You’ve got an invite if you want to tag along.”

It was on the tip of Sam’s tongue to say no. He was curious about Dean’s cop friends though, curious enough to say “Sure, just let me wash up?”

“No problem. Jody said she’s serving at 7, we got a little time. Go wash your stank off.” Dean reached out and shoved Sam forwards. Sam stumbled a little but shot Dean an unamused look before heading to the shower.

A shower, clean set of clothes and Sam let Dean drive them both to his Captain’s house.

It had been a surprise when Dean had dropped his job as a mechanic to pursue a career in law enforcement. Sam still remembered their mom calling him to let him know. It was during the time he and Dean had not exactly been on friendly terms. Dean had split up with his girlfriend Carmen, switched careers and… well, flourished. The drinking had stopped, the angry bitter guy Sam remembered just melted away to this new Dean.

He felt at peace the moment Jody embraced him as he walked in the door of her home. She didn’t know who he was, never met him before, but still hugged him like they were old friends. The others waved and Dean gave a run through of who was whom.

Jody, Donna, Garth, and Charlie.

“I don’t work with these goobers,” Charlie was quick to add.

Sam sat down next to Dean on one of the couches. Jody clearly entertained enough that she had so many seats free.

“Yes you do, you love us really,” Garth teased.

“Consultant,” Charlie told Sam firmly. “I’m not a cop.”

“If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck…”

“I’m putting laxatives in your coffee again.”

Jody walked back in from the kitchen. “Again?”

Charlie flashed a smile at her. “Empty threats, Jody. Where would I even get laxatives? It isn’t like they sell them in stores.”

Donna snorted with amusement and topped up her wine glass.

“You can go through to the dining room now. Food’s about done. Can I get you boys anything to drink?”

“Water’s good with me,” Dean assured her.

“I got beer, Sam, if you want one? German and cold.”

“Sure, yeah, that would be good.” Dean had no beer at his place and since Sam hadn’t been out he hadn’t drank in… he wasn’t even sure.

Maybe it was the food, the taking on calories his body had probably been screaming out for, or maybe it was the way he was sitting with such a talkative group but Sam’s mind felt awake and alive for the first time in the last week.

“You know your brother talks about you all the time. Big city lawyer and all, and all your fancy degrees.” Coming from anyone but Garth, Sam might have felt slighted at the phrase fancy degrees, like they were getting a dig in. From Garth though, Sam could only feel bashful at the praise.

“Well, you know,” Sam shrugged. “I got lucky with grants and all.” He felt like a fraud accepting praise for a career he didn’t think he was really looking to hold onto.

“I have a couple of contacts if you’re still looking for something new, Sam.”

“That’d be great, Jody.” Sam infused as much enthusiasm as he could into the sentiment. “This food is incredible,” he was sure to let her know. And it really was. Simple steak, potatoes served with vegetables she’d grown herself in the backyard. “I haven’t eaten this well in forever.”

“Been starving your baby brother there, Dean?” Donna winked at him and Sam smiled, mind slightly panicking that she was flirting with him. He wasn’t ready for anything like that.

“This ugly mug can fend for himself. Don’t feel bad for him. Plenty of food at home.”

“Dean’s the cook in the family really. I’d burn cereal if I had a chance.”

“The brownies!” Donna sighed. “And the donuts. You know I put on 3 lbs after your brother learned how to make choux pastry?”

“The cheese and green onion waffles are my favorite.” Garth stretched back and rubbed his stomach. “Though I wouldn’t say no to some more of those little cakes.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Dean rolled his eyes but Sam could see the satisfaction in his eyes.

There was relatively little shop talk and Sam wondered if that was for his benefit or just that they liked to keep things separated. More talk about food than anything else with Jody trying to convince Charlie she’d enjoy gardening. Sam let it wash over him for the main part. Last time he’d been out for dinner with people had been his goodbye party in San Francisco. The mood had been pretty sober, leaving Sam feeling even more isolated after than he had felt before. Bret in particular hadn’t shied away from telling Sam he was throwing his whole life away.

Jody clapped her hands together. “Dessert, guys?”

“Whatcha got?”

“Grapefruit segments,” Jody said deadpan. “With a light dusting of protein powder.”

Sam laughed as the others all moaned.

“Ew, Jody!”

She sighed and put her hands on her hips. “You should all try more fruit at some point.”

“Not tonight though!” Charlie asserted. “It’s Friday night, we’ve worked hard all week.”

“Some of us worked hard all week,” Jody shot back, “and then cooked for all you ungrateful lot.”

“But Jodyyyyy,” Charlie whinged. “You know left to our own devices we would have just had pizza and wings tonight.”

“I could go for some pizza and wings,” Dean added.

“How about ice cream and pie?”

That caught Dean’s attention fast.

“Cherry?”

“Cherry, also pecan.”

“You bake them?” Dean was suddenly deadly serious. Sam wondered if this was his tone for interrogations too.

“Alex did. She’s getting pretty good at it. She wanted to learn so she can bribe the other hospital staff.”

Sam had no idea who Alex was but the others nodded like this made sense.

“I’m willing to try her pie.”

“So magnanimous of you, Dean,” Jody rolled her eyes again. “And pie for the rest of you?”

Pie wasn’t really his thing but Sam didn’t want to be the awkward one out. He would have taken the grapefruit segments.

Charlie and Dean ended up with a slice of both pie, with ice cream. Sam opted for the cherry, figuring that at least had some fruit involved.

Sam excused himself to the bathroom after. He looked in the mirror while washing his hands and noticed he was smiling.

“So, is he going to be back next week?” Sam heard Donna asking Dean as he walked back towards the dining room.

“I dunno, his work schedule’s been a little crazy lately, and then things with Jack and his dad.”

“He better be,” Charlie added. “I need someone on my level for Cards Against Humanity.”

“Your level of disturbed,” Dean mumbled under his breath.

Sam took the opportunity to reenter the room, not wanting to get caught out listening in.

“You want some help cleaning up, Jody?” Garth offered.

“With your clumsy ass? I’ve got it covered. Plus I need to leave something for Claire to do when she gets back past curfew again.”

“She figured out you know her and Kaia are a couple yet?”

“Nope, and I’m not going to force her into telling me. You can’t force people to out themselves, even if it is pretty obvious they aren’t studying every evening.”

“What do ya think?” Dean asked Sam later as he pulled out of Jody’s driveway, the Impala’s engine roaring perfectly.

“Of what?”

“Them.”

“They seem like good people.”

  
“They are. Been like family to me. No one looked down on me when I joined as a recruit, way older than the others. Jody she...” Dean paused as he concentrated on merging at the intersection, “she lost her kid when he was young.”

“Damn. That’s…” Sam was at a loss for words. “Gotta be hard,” he finished pathetically.

“She’s fostered kids for years though. Most recent two, Alex and Claire,” Dean chuckled. “They’re wild things, but damn, they’re great kids. Alex isn’t really a kid anymore, I suppose. Claire’s going to be 18 soon.”

They sat in silence for much of the drive back.

“Thanks for inviting me tonight, Dean. I don’t think I realized how badly I needed to get out.”

“I suspected as much. I know you better than you think.”

Sam silently hoped so, it was a surprisingly comforting thought. He also had a gut feeling he didn’t know Dean half as well as he’d assumed.

“I’m not sure I want to keep practicing law.”

“Cool,” Dean said, like it meant nothing. “You might want to keep that from Mom until you’ve settled on what you do wanna do. Experience has taught me she doesn’t take too well to these things otherwise.” Dean turned to grin at Sam.

“We’ll see.”

Stomach full of food and heart full of peace, Sam went to bed happy that night. Which was why he was so surprised that he felt so awful the next morning, almost like he hadn’t slept at all. One night of good times apparently wasn’t going to cure him of the melancholy taking over his soul.


	3. Chapter 3

Ambivalence was the only word that came to mind when Sam tried to think about how he felt about going for an interview. The one and only application he had put in for the previous week landed him a job interview. When Tuesday came, he pressed his suit and with a portfolio of research he’d done on the company, drove out to Manhattan – Kansas edition.

Crowley, Tran, and Talbot seemed like a tough company by reputation. Being interviewed by the named partners was novel, but given the size of the firm shouldn’t have been such a surprise to Sam. They weren’t any different to many of the lawyers he’d dealt with in the past. He’d felt confident and in control batting down their questions, and even earning himself a nickname before the hour was out.

He knew he should have been happy about the fact he was likely going to get the job, if their reaction was anything to go by. He had the credentials and knew he’d impressed at least Talbot with his knowledge of their clients. Feeling down over his success, Sam stopped at the first decent looking bar he could find on his drive back to Dean’s house. Aware of the fact he had to drive back and not feeling keen on having to call a cab to get home, Sam ordered a tonic water.

“This seat taken?”

Sam looked up and made eye contact with–

“Blue?”

“The seat is blue?” the stranger responded.

“No, I mean, yes? No, wait.” Sam’s cheek twitched. He took a deep breath and tried again. “Yeah, the seat’s free. Sorry, just all up in,” Sam tapped his temples as if that explained all.

“I understand.”

The man still sat down.

That was when Sam noticed the rest of the stools at the bar were unoccupied.

And yet the man had still sat down next to him.

“May I buy you a drink?”

Sam blinked and looked at his glass. It was somehow empty except for the quickly melting remainders of ice.

“I…” He studied the stranger. He looked like he might be a little older than Sam was himself, dressed in a tan trench coat and three piece suit.

“If it helps you with your decision: I am interested in having sex and yes, I am using this as an icebreaker.”

He spoke so plainly Sam found himself gawping.

“I don’t wish to impose. I would still be happy to buy you that drink, and then I will leave you alone.” When Sam still didn’t talk the stranger took a step away. “My apologies, I have–”

“Another tonic water would be nice,” Sam stuttered. “And… feel free to sit. I’m not great company but,” he looked the man up and down, “I wouldn’t mind someone to talk to.”

“I’m Castiel, and yes, that is my real name.” Castiel called the bartender over and ordered them both tonic waters with lime.

“I’m Sam, Sam…” he looked around, begging for inspiration for a last name.

“Samsam? That’s unique. More so than Castiel perhaps.”

“Just Sam,” he laughed, unsure if Castiel was being serious. Sam found himself thinking that he couldn’t seriously be contemplating sex with a man who he didn’t even want to give his name to, could he?

But he was. And it wasn’t as if Castiel offered up his last name either.

“What brings you here, Samsam?”

“Heartbreak? Indecision?” The overwhelming feeling that he’d fucked up his life and was too terrified to start again?

“I’m in love with my best friend,” Castiel offered up, sitting himself down next to Sam. “We sound like two peas in a pod.”

“Did you just break up with your fiancée and move across the country too?”

“No. But I’m avoiding the guy I’m in love with. Saying I have to work late, making other stupid excuses to ensure I won’t have to be alone with him. I can feel him pulling away and it hurts.”

“Why don’t you just tell him? You don’t think he might be interested?”

Castiel sighed. “I don’t know.”

He gave a sizeable tip to the bartender once their drinks were set before them.

“You know – and this isn’t a line, but you look strangely familiar.”

Sam shrugged. “I haven’t lived around these parts for a long time.”

Castiel frowned but accepted this for truth.

“What happened to make you move across country so suddenly?”

“I don’t know.” It was the honest truth. Sam didn’t think he could pin it down to one issue. “Systematic failure to communicate?” Sam ran a finger along the glass, drawing wavy lines in the condensation. “Have you ever been in love with an ex?”

Castiel stared into Sam’s eyes unblinkingly. “I’m not sure I’ve had a relationship previously that would qualify as… an ex.”

“Oh.”

“It never mattered much to me either way, the concept of being with someone didn’t appeal. And then,” Castiel sighed, “then I fell.”

“For your best friend?”

Castiel nodded. He took a sip of his drink and pulled a face. “It tastes like bubbles.”

“I’m not a big drinker,” Sam smiled apologetically.

“Me either.”

“You just come here to pick up then?”

“To people watch, if I’m being honest. And if someone catches my eye, I try to see if they’re interested back.”

“Let me get this straight: you are happy to hit on random guys at bars, with the knowledge you might get rejected, but you’re not prepared to tell your best friend that you’re head over heels in love with him?”

Castiel nodded sadly. “I can’t begin to tell you what he means to me, Sam. Platonic or not, I want him in my life.”

“That’s… wow. That’s dedication.”

“That’s love.”

“And does sex with a near stranger help alleviate the symptoms?”

“Sex is mostly about the physical sensation to me. But you wanted to talk, I don’t see how talking about my sexual antics is helping.”

“It is,” Sam defended. “It’s helping me not think about the choices I have to make in my life.”

“What are you stuck on?”

“Mostly if I want to retrain.” That was the crux of the problem Sam was having lately. “I have the money to take classes, and maybe I can work it to do that and work freelance in the meantime. My ex and I were saving for a house. When we split we split the money from the fund equally.” Because sure, while lately he had put more in than Jess, she’d also supported him through his extended education. In the end, separating the money equally had seemed the fairest way. If she’d been his client, he would have been pushing for an equal split at a minimum.

“Then go for it.”

“But I worked so hard to get where I am.”

“If you want some advice? Real advice? No one really knows what they’re doing in life. You can only take on the situations as they come to you, in the best way that you can at that point. Changing your mind about your future doesn’t invalidate any of the work you did in the past, and it doesn’t mean it was pointless, Sam. It doesn’t mean you didn’t want that at the time.”

“That sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

Castiel huffed out a laugh. “I used to be in the military. And I promise you, as a kid, that was all I ever wanted to do.”

“You?” Sam’s voice was thick with disbelief. Castiel looked more like a… a librarian, or accountant or… something. Not a soldier.

“I said used to be. It was the old life, the old me.”

“What are you now?”

“I’m a paramedic. Now I help people instead of just...” Castiel trailed off and finished up the last of his drink. “Well, you know, hurt people.”

“There’s more to the army than just that.”

“Airforce, actually.”

“Huh. You’re a flyboy?”

“Ex-flyboy. I’m not able to fly an aircraft any longer.” Castiel looked into his empty glass and Sam felt his heart squeeze for the look of upset that flashed on Castiel’s face. Clearly there was more to that story.

“I am, was? A lawyer. Maybe I should try a polar opposite career.”

“Professional cat burglars make good money I hear.”

“I’m way too clumsy for that. But I do know how to pick a lock.”

“That must be a useful skill.”

“We could head to the motel at the next junction and I can demonstrate for you.”

Castiel studied Sam’s face again. He seemed to have a thing for that, just looking and trying to find answers. “That sounds pretty risky. Plus, if I use handcuffs, I always have the key and a spare nearby. No need for lock picking.”

“Then maybe I can show you after I blow you.” Sam smiled at Castiel and lifted his glass up to finish up the last of the watery ice. He wasn’t sure where his sudden burst of courage had come from, certainly not the drink. But it was there, and his mouth was watering at the thought of sucking dick again for the first time since he was a freshman.

“So long as you understand perfectly that I am, for lack of a better term, stupidly in love with my best friend and have no room in my heart to love another?”

“I’m planning on being messed up over Jess for a long time. A long, long time. You’re safe with me.”

*******

There was a difference between Castiel and Jess. Of course there would be, the physical, but also the emotional journey Sam was feeling. Things with Jess had been familiar. Castiel was anything but familiar. Sam’s eyes slipped down to Castiel’s cock.

Okay, maybe some things were a little familiar.

“See something you like?” Castiel’s voice was monotone and it made Sam smile. He could have been talking about anything. He seemed to Sam so confident in his nudity.

Sam reached out a hand and placed it on Castiel’s shoulder, using it to gently tug him closer.

“Maybe,” he murmured, bending down to meet Castiel’s mouth.

“You’re still dressed,” Castiel pointed out. “That doesn’t seem fair.”

“Didn’t know we were in a rush.” Sam’s fingers played with the hair of Castiel’s neck. So short, so different to Jess.

Jess. He had to stop thinking about Jess.

Sam dropped to his knees, grasping Castiel’s cock in one hand. “Got a condom?”

Castiel strolled over to the satchel he’d brought with him, giving Sam a glorious view of his ass. He rummaged around and eventually pulled out a selection from within. Fanning them out like playing cards in his fist, he offered them up to Sam.

“Any preferences?”

Sam examined the five identical packets.

“Very funny,” he huffed a laugh despite the lameness and picked the middle one.

Castiel put the rest back in his bag and turned round to find Sam kneeling on the floor in front of him. Sam took the opportunity to fist Castiel’s cock, preparing it for the condom. Sam tried to work fast but with a confident manner, very self-conscious of how long it had been since he’d last been the one putting the condom on another person.

“As fun and sexy as this would be,” Castiel interrupted, with Sam’s lips just inches from Castiel’s dick. “I’m thinking we just go to the bed? This floor show, no matter how amazing, is going to hurt your knees.”

Sam wanted to protest, but as he moved his hips slightly he could already feel where the pressure was going to lead to an ache. He followed Castiel to the bed, tugging of his own clothes as he went.

Sam pulled his underwear off and threw it on top of the pile he’d made. It didn’t feel strange to Sam to be naked in front of Castiel, or at least, not any different to how he’d felt with previous partners. They’d kept the motel room’s dim bedside lamps on, but enough light was peeking through the flimsy window curtains from the outside that it the whole room had a glow to it regardless. Sam watched Castiel’s growing interest as the other man laid back and stroked his condom-clad cock.

At last Sam climbed onto the bed to join Castiel. For the first time since they’d met Sam detected a hint of hesitance in Castiel’s look, just a moment where Castiel’s gaze dropped.

“We can stop, if you want to?” Sam offered gently.

Castiel smiled, “I’m fine,” he assured Sam. “This is good.” He ran a finger over Sam’s left pectoral.

“You can pretend I’m your best friend, if it helps?” Sam said quietly.

Castiel look was pained, eyes creased with well-worn kindness. “It doesn’t, but I appreciate the thought. I’m happy just being here with you. You have a good heart, Sam.”

“You’re just saying that because I’ve got my mouth on your cock.”

“Problem is you don’t,” Castiel pointed out flippantly.

With that, Sam dove down and wrapped his lips halfway down Castiel’s shaft.

Castiel breathed in a controlled way that put Sam in mind of yoga. His abdomen muscles tensed as he tried to stop himself squirming. “Don’t sell yourself short, Sam. Just because you’re in a motel sucking a stranger’s dick doesn’t mean–”

Sam pulled off with a pop. “You’re not a stranger anymore.”

Sam licked his lips and could feel the coils of his own arousal build. Maybe he’d missed sucking a cock more than he’d realized.

Castiel brushed some of the hair out of Sam’s face and tucked it behind his ear.

“Do you want me to blow you after this?” Castiel offered.

Sam paused, wondering himself. What did he want?

“I would like...”

“Yes?”

“Would you fuck me?”

Castiel placed an index finger under Sam’s chin and used it to tilt his head up.

“Would I? Absolutely.”

Sam swallowed, his face feeling flush. “Cool,” he said lamely. “Er, do you want me to… keep going?” he nodded at Castiel’s cock.

“No. Let’s get you prepared and ready for being fucked.”

“I like that, how you say fuck,” Sam panted.

“Good.”

Castiel was determined but kind while he prepped Sam. Every now and then reaching around to stroke or simply feel Sam’s cock, hands and fingers seemingly everywhere as he made sure Sam was feeling relaxed and happy. Even as he slid into Sam he kept peppering Sam’s back and ass with little touches, silently letting Sam know _you are not alone_.

Sam felt treasured, and hot, and confused, but aroused, so very, very aroused. It was like Castiel was all around him, inside him, presence seeping into Sam’s brain and making him demand:

“ _Harder_ ,” Sam grunted.

His eyes were scrunched up and tears were seeping out. He could feel them trickle down his face, even if his consciousness was barely registering what was happening. He just wanted to indulge in the sensation of Castiel in him, filling him, making him _feel_.

Castiel was unaware of the silent crying, unable to see much beyond the vast, flawless expanse of Sam’s well-muscled back.

“You feel so good,” he murmured against the warm skin of Sam’s neck, kissing and nuzzling, breathing in Sam’s scent.

Sam’s breath hitched as Castiel’s hand found its way to his cock again. Sam let out a half-sob when he finally came. Sam assumed Castiel must have come at some point too, as he noted with faint, dizzy bliss Castiel pull off and tie the condom he’d had on.

“Are you feeling well?” Castiel asked with great concern when he returned to the bed.

Sam was propped up against the headboard, rubbing his left eye slightly.

“I’m good,” he smiled shyly. “Just… a little overwhelmed? It’s been a while since I was with anyone else.”

“I didn’t hurt you?” Castiel seemed frightened.

“Not even a little.”

Castiel looked deeply into Sam’s red-rimmed eyes. After a moment of study, he seemed to accept what Sam had told him.

“Do you want me to go?”

“It’s cool if you want to stay.” He didn’t want to ask Castiel to stay, didn’t want to pressure him. He did want him to stay though. “We got the room for the night, and I told my, ahem, roommate I wouldn’t be back tonight.”

“I’m going to shower.”

Sam made a noise of acknowledgment but otherwise was preoccupied in burrowing down under the blankets.

Castiel was already awake when Sam sat up the next morning.

“Wazza time?” he asked through a yawn.

“Just after six. I was contemplating waking you up in case you had somewhere you are meant to be.”

Sam stretched and looked over at Castiel. He was sat in the rickety chair, already dressed in the clothes he’d had on the night before.

“Nowhere in particular to be. You want to get breakfast? If that’s… not too much for a one night stand?” Sam winced as he said it. Castiel wasn’t easy too read and he didn’t want to scare the other man off.

“As friends?” Castiel said after a pause.

“Yeah, yeah. Friends.”

Castiel knew a place nearby they walked over to. Sam wondered if it counted as a walk of shame when he didn’t, in fact, feel any shame.

“You seriously know nothing about sport? What do you watch on TV? You do watch TV?”

Castiel sighed like this was a conversation he’d had far too many times. “Star Wars. Many, many times. Indiana Jones, many, many times.”

“Air Force One, by any chance?”

“How did you guess?” Castiel deadpanned.

“My roommate is pretty much the same. Harrison Ford for days, if he could.” He felt compelled to keep saying roommate. Even though he’d admitted to Castiel he was between jobs, it made him feel bad to then add ‘And sleeping in my brother’s spare room for free because I’m having a faux midlife crisis’.

“Pineapple juice, if you have it?” Castiel asked the server. “And a short stack of pancakes.”

“Sure, sugar. And you?”

“Orange juice would be great, and a fruit cup?” The server nodded and noted down the order. “Huh, didn’t know anyone but my brother drank pineapple juice.”

“You should try it, it’s useful.”

Sam gather from the smirk on Castiel’s face he was missing some joke. With a half-hearted laugh Sam picked up his phone. It was hard to feel rude when Castiel had been half paying attention to his emails since they’d sat down.

He’d had the frame of mind to let Dean know he wouldn’t be back last night. Dean’s reply had been a string of increasingly lewd emojis. Six egg plants seemed a little excessive.

When the food arrived Castiel put his phone away.

“How are you feeling this morning?”

“Good? Surprisingly good.”

Castiel nodded. “But?”

“Er, I’m not sure it should is more than a one-time thing? You seem like a great guy though.”

Castiel made Sam feel safe. It was a genuine question, not a trick.

“Friends without benefits situation?” Castiel proposed.

“Sure? Though, friendship seems a pretty good benefit to me.”

“You’re not really my type anyway,” Cas smirked.

“Oh yeah?”

“I like people with large penises.”

“Hey!” Sam laughed, seeing Castiel’s laugh. “I’m huge.”

“I’ve seen bigger.”

“Wow, just wow.”

They both chuckled and Sam could feel the tension from his shoulders dissipating little by little. Even if he and Castiel weren’t destined to be, he’d enjoyed the experience.

“I say it like I see it. Besides, have you always talked so much in your sleep?”

“I sleep talk?”

“That isn’t a regular thing for you? Potentially just stress, Sam. I wouldn’t be concerned,” Castiel brushed it off like it was nothing.

Sam itched to pick up his phone again and Google _sleep talking: causes of_.

After eating Sam felt more refreshed and human than he had in a long while. More himself, at least. Castiel was a big part of that.

“I’m busy this weekend but if you’re up for… hanging out next week sometime?”

Castiel nodded. “I’d like that, Sam.” They exchanged phone numbers and Sam used the opportunity to get Castiel to input his name so he could look up what the hell it meant without having to figure out the correct spelling.

“Castiel?” Sam called out as Castiel walked away.

“Yes, Sam?”

“This guy you’re in love with? You should tell him. You’re a great guy, anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives.”

Castiel smiled sadly. “I’ll think about it.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Sammy, Sammy, Saaaaammmmyyyy,” Dean called.

Sam froze.

“The walk of shame? Really now, Sammy.” Dean’s smile was huge.

“Morning, Dean.”

“Interview either went really well, or really bad.”

Dean was sat on the couch shining his shoes. Sam had hoped Dean would either be gone or still in bed, so of course the universe conspired to ensure he was right there when Sam walked in.

“A little of both? I need to hit the shower.” Sam pointed towards the closed bathroom door and slinked off to the sound of Dean laughing.

Sam was thankful to find Dean gone by the time he had finished cleaning himself up, but he persisted into the evening trying to get details. To Dean’s credit, he’d cooked for both of them before he started again with the questions.

“Blonde or brunette?” Dean asked through a mouthful of spaghetti. “Or a redhead? Did little Sammy find a fiery red head to bed?”

“You know hair color has nothing to do with personality, right?” Sam carefully spun his fork to get some of the noodles on it.

“Yeah, yeah. Fess up why don’t you?”

At least one of them was enjoying this conversation.

“Brunet,” Sam said begrudgingly. “How about you? Not heard about anyone since Carmen.” What was the point in being a little brother if you couldn’t annoy your older brother?

Dean clamped up immediately, posture going stiff. “Nothin’ to talk about. How about that?”

“You two seemed pretty good together, is all.”

It was something Sam had been wondering. He and Dean hadn’t exactly been on talking terms when Dean and Carmen had split.

Sam was aware though that he’d only been living with Dean for just over a week and already learned more about his brother than he had in the past ten years combined.

“When are you due to hear about that job again? I hope it is soon so I can get you out of this place.”

Sam’s jaw dropped. He was more surprised how much the sentiment hurt than anything.

Dean looked over and rolled his eyes. “You know I’m kidding, right? You can stay as long as you like. I owe you that much. We can be in our sixties and still livin’ together. Wouldn’t that just be swell?”

Sam snorted a laugh. “Hopefully should hear by the end of the week if I’ve got to the second round of interviews.”

Dean nodded and speared a meatball.

“Mom said she’d be here about four on Saturday. She called last night.”

“Okay?”

“The dinner?” Dean prompted, noticing how nonplussed Sam looked.

Dean stood up and took his plate over to the sink and started on the dishes.

“Er…?” Sam shrugged. “Dinner for what?”

“You know what day Saturday is, right?”

Sam winced. “I’m not sure what today is.” What was time when he was spending so much of his waking hours reading and testing out Dean’s couch?

“Dad’s birthday…?”

Sam’s expression dropped. “Oh.” It had been just over thirteen years since their dad had passed away. “Yeah, of course.”

Sam dropped his fork on his half-eaten plate. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually been around to celebrate their dad’s birthday. He’d always called his mom to talk on the day, check in with her.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been here much for things like this,” Sam rushed to say. And he was sorry he’d felt so much like he’d left Dean to deal with the fall out of everything that was their dad dying. Even just the practicalities of sorting his bank accounts and going through his clothes had been left entirely to Dean. It had been a turning point for his brother, Sam felt. Before that Dean had been selfish and somewhat shallow. Afterwards though, he seemed to want nothing more than to connect with Sam. Sam hadn’t been interested. It had felt too much like backtracking.

Dean shrugged. “It is what it is, Sam. You had a life out there in San Fran to get on with. Mom and I never judged you for that, you know? It’ll be nice to have you around this year, though. But anyway, with mom coming over it means you’re out on the couch so mom can sleep here too. She offered to drive back after but it’ll be nice to have you both around at the same time.”

It took Sam a long time to fall asleep that night. Memories of his dad floated across his mind whenever he shut his eyes. Of his laugh, of his moods, of how protected Sam felt when he was around, of his shouting. To Sam’s young self, John was always angry and Sam never knew why. As an adult Sam also could see his father had been sad and anxious so much of the time too.

He woke several times in the night, cheeks wet, brain feeling rung out like a cloth twisted dry.

_I miss her_ , he thought, burying his face into his pillow, crying, emotions swirling. He wasn’t feeling numb at least. Guilt  was coursing through his veins making his chest feel icy cold.

_Stay with me_ , he begged, unsure if he was thinking the words or saying them allowed – a combination of the two?

When he finally forced himself to get out of bed it was if he’d contracted flu overnight. Everything hurt and his brain was fogged over. Sunlight beamed in through the flimsy curtains of Dean’s spare room by the time Sam convinced himself to leave the bedroom. Water, he hoped, would at least make him feel somewhat human again. He grabbed a chilled bottle from the fridge and downed half of it with the refrigerator door still open.

In the state he’d been in since his breakup with Jessica, Sam wasn’t sure how he’d even handle holding down a new job. It seemed like an impossible mountain to climb. Which was only part of why he didn’t feel more excited when he saw the email inviting him back for a second job interview on Monday.

He microwaved his leftovers from the night before as lunch and ate that while contemplating in vague terms his presentation for the interview on Monday. He might not want the job but he needed to shake off this persistent fatigue as quickly as he could. Having a goal, having a place he had to be at a certain time, having a _purpose_ , Sam felt like that would fix things.

“Huh, you cleaned,” Dean noted appreciatively when he finally rolled in that evening.

Sam shrugged. “Thought mom deserved as much.”

“Hey, hey. It wasn’t exactly dirty up in here.”

Silently Sam agreed, even the top of the door frames had clearly been cleaned not too long ago. He wasn’t going to boost Dean’s ego like that though.

Dean stuck his head in the fridge. “I forgot how much you ate, Sasquatch. How about I order Chinese?”

“I can pick up some groceries tomorrow if you leave me a list,” Sam offered. It would give him something to do instead of worrying about how much he didn’t want to do the presentation for his second interview. The list was essential since Dean was apparently such a homemaker now and Sam didn’t want to be caught out buying the wrong kind of flour.

Later on their discarded takeout containers were still on the kitchen table and the brothers had long since relocated to the sofa to watch _Dr Sexy_ at Dean’s insistence. Both had a soda and the silence had been quite companionable.

“How did you know you wanted to go into law enforcement?”

Dean shrugged a shoulder and still with his eyes on the TV started talking.

“Remember that year you and Jess got engaged? You came back to visit for mom’s birthday and we talked after? I just knew something had to change. Okay, so it took you and me a little longer to get back to being best bros, but I figured I should start with what I could change: myself. But it took me longer than that still. I was feeling...guilty? Dad was so proud of me being a mechanic like him. Going into law enforcement though,” Dean flashed Sam a smile. “It just felt right. I like being a cop. I like helping people.”

“He’d have been proud of the man you are now, Dean,” Sam reassured him.

Both brothers watched the TV silently after that, pretending like they weren’t both thinking of their dad.

Sam still had a big decision to make on his future, but for the first time since he and Jess called it quits, he didn’t feel entirely alone in the world.

*******

When Friday swung around Sam thought about calling up Castiel to see if he was free. Just for a drink would have been a nice evening, but Sam’s resolve to not sleep with Castiel again was wavering even in his own mind. Just because he didn’t want to date the guy didn’t mean they couldn’t have fun. And they had definitely had fun together.

In the end he text him and tried not to pity himself too much when Castiel replied to say he was busy. He suggested the following Sunday though, if Sam was free. That made Sam feel slightly better.

Dean was out with his cop friends again, this time Sam had declined the invite. He used the time instead to finishing putting together the presentation for his second interview on Monday. Something told him that after Saturday he wouldn’t be in the mood to do it on Sunday.

Looking through some of his old notes on cases Sam started to remember exactly why he loved the law. He loved helping people. He loved the research. He loved the process and the problem solving needed. No two cases were identical and every day had the potential to be different. Sure, he didn’t always care for all of it. Charging people, knowing some might go broke just paying for his services, that was never the best feeling. Overall though, a day with his head in the books was perhaps just what he needed.

Sam spent his Saturday morning out getting groceries for the weekend, in particular for the Sunday morning breakfast feast Dean had promised.

A good ten minutes of his time at the superstore had been lost to going through the types of chips they had. Instinct had been to grab sour cream Lay’s as they’d been Jess’ favorite. But Sam didn’t have to shop for her any longer. Wouldn’t ever have to shop for her again. He grabbed Cool Ranch Doritos instead, which had been his dad’s favorites. For good measure he included some Ruffles too. A few bottles of beer from Free State Brewing Company went in next. That certainly hadn’t been available in stores when his dad had been alive still. Though whether John would have been happy at not having an excuse to go to the brewery direct for his beer anymore Sam wasn’t sure.

Arms laden down with bags, Sam kicked at the front door hoping to get Dean’s attention. If he had to put down even one bag just to get out his keys and let himself in, everything was going to come cascading down.

When the door was finally opened Sam was lucky he didn’t drop everything anyway.

“Hello, Sam.”

“Castiel?”


	5. Chapter 5

Sam bumbled into the house and made his way to the kitchen where he set the bags down on the floor. Castiel followed in behind him.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sam whispered as loudly as he dared.

“I figured out why you seemed familiar,” Castiel nodded at the photo hanging on the wall. It was a family portrait taken on a holiday they’d been on when Sam was 14. “Dean left his wallet at my house last night. I just came by to give it back to him.

“S’that you, Sam?” Dean called out.

“Yeah,” Sam answered, trying not to show his panic. Castiel seemed perfectly at ease in the kitchen. Almost like he hadn’t just tracked Sam down and was currently standing in his Dean’s kitchen.

Dean joined them in the kitchen and let out a long, low whistle at the number of bags on the floor.

“You did all that in one trip?”

“Yeah.” Sam swallowed, eyes skating nervously between Castiel and Dean.

“Oh, this is Cas,” Dean said by way of an introduction. “Cas, this is Sam. Baby brother, meet my best friend, and vice versa.”

 

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Sam.” Castiel stuck his hand out and Sam was impressed at how steel-faced he was.

Taking Castiel’s lead, Sam reached out and shook the offered hand.

“Yeah, same.”

“You’re still coming tonight, right? Mom invited you?” Dean was oblivious to the quiet freak out Sam was having. “It’d just be nice for you to get to know Sam.”

Castiel’s eyes flicked over to Sam. “Yes, but with your brother in town wouldn’t you rather–”

“Spend the evening with _all_ my family?” Dean butted in. “Yes, yes I would.”

Sam could barely fake a smile when he and Dean bid farewell to Castiel, who promised he would indeed be back that evening for the family dinner. Sam didn’t know what to say when Castiel finally left. What was there to say? Telling Dean he knew what Castiel’s hands felt like wrapped around his cock wasn’t going to go down well, that much Sam was sure of.

*******

The restaurant was nice, and decidedly not the sort of place John would have picked when he was alive. Each of them had taken it upon themselves to dress up appropriately for the occasion. Castiel was still in a suit, as he had been so far every time Sam had seen him. Even Dean had combed his hair back and put on a tie.

Sam’s appetite was nonexistent and the steak he’d ordered tasted like nothing in his mouth. The hyper awareness of Castiel sitting next to him, with his brother and mother across from them, was just too much.

It wasn’t until near the end of the dinner that Sam and Castiel were left to themselves while both of the other Winchesters went to the restroom.

“I’m so sorry, Sam,” Castiel uttered lowly soon as Dean and Mary were out of earshot. “I should have put one and one together and realized who you were. Dean’s talked of you often and,” Castiel scrunched his face up, “I’ll tell him everything. Tell him it wasn’t your fault.”

“If I had told you straight up my last name was Winchester you’d have worked it out.” Sam wasn’t going to let Castiel blame himself for something they were both a part of. “Is it too much to hope you have two best friends?”

Castiel placed a hand over his own mouth and used it to muffle a bitter laugh. “Wouldn’t that have been nice?”

“We can’t tell him.”

“We have to tell him, Sam.” Castiel’s voice was steady.

“Not today, at least,” Sam pleaded. Not today, not on the day they were meant to be remembering their dad.

“We didn’t do anything wrong. We’re both single human beings and...”

“Castiel, if you really think he feels for you the way you hope he does, he’s not going to take this well.”

The mix tape. Sam recalled Dean had made Castiel a mix tape. That wasn’t nothing, especially coming from someone like Dean.

They both sprang back away from each other when Dean and Mary came back to the table.

“You two certainly seem thick as thieves,” Mary commented.

Sam fiddled with the cloth napkin in his lap.

“Just talking about KU Jayhawks last win.”

“Really?” Dean raised an eyebrow. “Cas has never watched a game in his life.”

“I have too,” Castiel protested, “and I’ve picked up enough from you to be able to hold my own in a conversation, Dean.”

“It doesn’t count if it is on in the background while _I_ cook thanksgiving dinner.”

“Are we getting dessert too, boys?” Mary inquired when the waiter came back, putting an end to their squabbling.

“Hell yeah,” Dean nodded enthusiastically.

“Just coffee for me,” Castiel requested.

“John took me to a place just like this when he proposed.” Mary looked around fondly, taking in the fabric wallpaper and gilded moldings. “That place shut down a long time ago though.”

“Did you know he was going to propose?”

Mary laughed at Dean’s question. “I hoped. Well, I’d seen the ring. If he wasn’t proposing to me I knew I had to dump him.”

“Mom!”

“Well, he was this big, strong, handsome soldier and he was so kind and sweet too. Made sense more than one girl had caught his eye. He had the ring, if it wasn’t me it was someone else.”

It was interesting hearing his mom’s side of things, Sam thought. It wasn’t how he would have described their dad. Especially not towards the end.

John’s illness and subsequent surgeries, repeated hospitalizations, restrictions to his lifestyle… the whole lot. It had taken its toll. He’d seemed on the mend the last time Sam had seen him alive.

The fork in Sam’s hand felt heavier all of a sudden. He put it down feeling a little dizzy.

“I would have liked to have met him,” Castiel interjected kindly.

“He would have liked you too, Cas,” Dean assured him. “Weird, dorky, little guy he could tease?”

“Was he fond of that?”

“Hell yeah,” Dean laughed, slapping a thigh. “They had this apprentice once at the garage. Dad sends him out to buy tartan paint. Dude was out for six hours before he had to admit defeat.”

Castiel forehead creased. “Tartan paint? How would that even work?”

Sam sat back and observed happily as Dean and Castiel talked. He caught his mom’s eye at one point and she smiled, laughing a little with a small head nod in the direction of each of Dean and Castiel.

Dean was in love.

It wasn’t in how he looked at Castiel, how he talked to Castiel, how he acted around Castiel. Well, not just in that. There seemed to be an inner light to his brother that Sam wasn’t familiar with, an energy that glowed harder the happier Castiel was.

“And then after that, they banned water pistols and eggs from the garage.”

Sam joined in with the laughter of the others. Feeling very content to be around his family, and also sick that he’d probably ruined a happy future for them all before they’d even had their entrees.

Once Dean knew the truth, there’d be no more hanging out like this.

***

“Goodnight, boys.” Mary kissed them each on the cheek, including Castiel, before she took to Dean’s spare room to sleep.

“Coffee?” Dean offered.

“I should be getting home.”

“Goodnight,” Sam rushed to say, relieved Castiel would finally be leaving.

Dean looked between the two of them.

“What’s going on here? You two have been acting weird all evening.”

“No we haven’t,” both said at once.

“Yes, you definitely have. Full on wackadoodle.”

He looked back and forth between his brother and his best friend.

“And I saw you when I was coming out of the restroom, you were huddled together whispering about _something_. You’ve only just met you can’t have had an argument already, that’s…” he trailed off and looked at both of them again. Swallowing, Dean took a step back. “Unless you had already met before.”

Sam did not like the sudden glint of determination in Castiel’s eye.

Castiel clenched his jaw and took a step towards Dean.

“I slept with your brother earlier this week. We met in a bar, I didn’t know he was your brother until today. That came as something of a surprise, I confess. He introduced himself as Sam and I didn't think to wonder if it could be your brother, Sam. The idea never even crossed my mind, especially as I thought he was living in San Francisco still.”

His voice was level and calm, but his body was tense, like he was prepared for a physical at attack any moment.

“That’s… that’s...” Dean sat down on the couch behind him. He looked up at the still standing Sam and Castiel. “That can’t be true.”

Sam was frozen. Confused more than anything as to why Castiel seemed so determined to get a reaction from Dean.

“It’s true.”

“He just split up with his girlfriend, you took advantage!” Dean was seething.

Castiel stood his ground. “That isn’t the case,” he said calmly.

“Why?” Dean pleaded, looking at Sam. “Revenge on me sleeping with your prom date?”

“It just felt good,” Sam stuttered. It hadn’t been a big deal. A little comfort from a stranger in the night when he’d most needed it. A new friend, a new shoulder to lean on. “I forgave you for the prom date thing years ago, Dean. This had nothing to do with that.”

“Does it matter why?” Castiel pressed, voice still eerily calm. “Why does it matter who the hell I sleep with?” It was a challenge, clearly.

“You know why!” Dean shouted, standing up again and closing the space between them. “You fucking know why.”

“Tell me. Tell me why,” Castiel dared.

Dean inhaled sharply. His fists were balled and his whole body trembled.

“Why do this on dad’s birthday?”

“We weren’t going to say anything today,” Sam fought back, irritated suddenly that he was having to defend a situation that wasn’t of his own creation. “I didn’t want you knowing at all.”

“You’re not angry with Sam, you’re angry with me. Even though you know I’ve not been chaste, this is different because it is with someone you know. You’re being forced to confront that sometimes I do have sex.”

Sam could only guess at what both the other men before him were thinking. This whole situation had clearly been years in the making from what Castiel had told him.

“I’m angry at myself!” Dean took a deep breath. “I’m angry with myself,” he repeated, quieter this time. “Cas, you’re my best friend.”

“You mean the world to me too, Dean. I truly had no idea he was your brother.”

“Are you two,” Dean gestured between them, “are you like a _thing_ now?”

“Oh, hell no.”

Castiel frowned at Sam, “That was a little fast.”

“Yeah well, if I’d told Jess a little sooner what my feelings were, I wouldn’t be limping towards 40 without a roof of my own over my head or any idea on what I wanted from the future.”

“And you used protection?” Dean asked with a wince.

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Of course. Handcuffs and a gun under the pillow.”

“I–” Dean took another deep breath. “Not funny.” He took an accusatory finger at Castiel. “Not funny at all.”

“You introduced me to that waitress as your _shy but devastatingly handsome friend_ tonight. Like you think I’m out for random hook-ups and you’re okay with that.”

“I’m just looking out for you!”

Sam dropped himself down on the couch. His bed for the night.

“You two should go talk things out.”

Both turned to glare at him. “There’s nothing to talk about,” Dean huffed.

“You’re in love with him,” Sam pointed out. “And the fact that I don’t have to specify names? That’s because it applies to both of you.”

He barely knew Castiel, and really didn’t know Dean as well as he should, but this still felt so right and Sam was so tired of second guessing himself lately.

“He’s my best friend.” Dean was trying to be stoic but Sam could see his walls were breaking down. “If it doesn’t work out, I don’t got much else. If we don’t work out…” Dean was stood almost toe-to-toe with Castiel now. “I didn’t expect to feel like this about you, about anyone. But here we are, just two dumbasses, and yeah, I think I maybe in love with you.”

“I don’t know if I believe in love,” Castiel paused. “But I do know that I believe in you.”

Sam wanted to roll his eyes at the pathetic way they were looking at one another now.

“How about I take your bed for the night, Dean, and you two stay in here and talk like you clearly need to?”

Castiel nodded and took his trench coat off again. “Talking is probably for the best.”

“G’night. Remember that mom and I are only thin doors away, won’t you?”

Dean shot Sam his version of a bitch face.

“We’re just going to talk.”

***

Sam woke up again only an hour later. That had been by far his most vivid dream yet. It had to be the wine he’d consumed at dinner, or the cheese? Cheese did that, right? He rubbed his hands together and tried to warm them up.

She’d been cold to the touch, so real as well. He couldn’t remember why he’d been trying to reach out to her, but by the time he was there, she was gone already. The harder he tried to think on who she was, the more it hurt. Letting go, pretending it hadn’t happened, that was the only way Sam was getting through the days.

He grunted as he stood and got out of Dean’s bed. A glass of water was needed. Something was needed at least to distract him from the uneasy feeling. Rubbing at his eyes, he’d taken two steps into the kitchen when he spotted Dean and Cas sitting at Dean’s kitchen table.

“Evenin’, Sammy,” Dean greeted him as Sam shuffled in.

“You’re playing cards?” Sam squinted at them.

Castiel had rolled the sleeves of his shirt up and loosened his tie a little.

“You thought we’d be doing somethin’ else?”

“Er...” Sam scratched his head. He hadn’t really thought about it.

“We were talking, up until the moment Dean said _we_ love you.” Castiel shot Dean a scathing look and went back to rearranging the cards in his hand in some order known only to himself.

“ _We_ do love you,” Dean winced.

Sam pulled a face. “That’s awful.”

Dean shrugged. “I am what I am.”

“But he does, you know he does,” Sam was sure to reassure Castiel.

“Yeah,” Castiel sighed, but as he looked up at Dean Sam could see the tenderness in his gaze. The shy smiles on both their faces.

Castiel reached out and put his left hand on top of Dean’s right.

Sam turned to get himself some water.

This should feel weird. The last 24 hours, hell the last 8 hours alone had been such a ride, but… Sam didn’t feel weird. He felt uneasy because of the nightmare, but not because of the situation happening behind him. That just felt _right_.

He drained one glass entirely and poured himself a second.

Dean and Castiel had at some point moved closer together, abandoning their cards on the table.

Dean had his eyes shut and was leaning in. Sam smiled and went to creep out of the room to give them some privacy. Their lips were a hair away from touching Sam looked back a final time. He was happy for them.

“What did you say?” Castiel asked, pulling back slightly.

“I didn’t say anything,” Dean mumbled, blinking at Castiel.

“ _Expergiscimini._ ”

“What?” Sam frowned, turning back to face them.

Dean sat back, the mood slowly petering off now. “What do you mean what? I told you–”

“ _Expergiscimini, Memento mori!”_

Sam’s heart was racing. He looked to both Dean and Castiel. Their mouths weren’t moving.

“ _Dum vivimus, vivamus Expergiscimini!”_ the voice continued.

“Mom! We’ve got to get to mom!” Dean’s chair clattered to the floor as he stood. Sam was a few steps ahead of him though, long legs eating up the space between the kitchen and the room their mother was sleeping in.

“ _Expergiscimini! Expergiscimini!”_

Sam had his hand on the door handle, but no matter which way he turned, it wouldn’t open.

“It’s locked!” he shouted at Dean.

“So we smash it down!”

His heart was thumping wildly, panic creeping in.

“What does it even mean? Who is doing this!” Dean shouted over the ever loudening voice. Castiel appeared behind him.

“It means _wake up_ ,” Castiel informed them. “Do you have speakers installed in here we don’t know about, Dean?”

“No!”

“ _Dum spiro spero_ …”

“We need to break this door down,” Sam told them, while he took a few steps back. “We have to get mom and get out of here!”

He felt cold and shivery, faint, but yet everything burned.

He took a few steps and rammed his shoulder into the door. The door flung open and Sam was falling… falling…

Sam’s arms felt heavy and he was colder, hungrier, and itchier than he’d ever been in his entire life.

But there she was in front of him, the woman from his dreams. The woman he'd been dreaming of for weeks now. 

“They’re awake,” she confirmed to someone standing behind her behind her.

The light around her was so intense. He wanted to lift his hand to shade his eyes. He couldn’t though, he couldn’t seem to move anything below his shoulders.

“Eileen?” he rasped.


	6. Chapter 6

“Hi, Sam,” she signed back.

“All of them? They’re all awake”

To his left Sam heard Dean groan.

“Settle down, Dean. You three have had quite the adventure.”

“Jody,” Dean muttered. “What is, who...” Dean gave up.

“Claire found ya,” Donna chirped up. “You’re lucky she did, you know?”

“I’m going to vomit,” Castiel said. “What have we been given?”

“Concoction of djin juice, a spell, and some charm we’re still trying to figure out. Don’t worry, Claire’s on the job. I think she even had some knuckle dusters on her.”

“Eileen,” Sam coughed. “How are you…” he tried again to reach out. His arm responded but the movement was sluggish and hard. As his pupils grew used to the light, he could see they were in some sort of cave.

“Alive?” she finished for him.

“Yeah.” His eyes were filling with tears. “Yeah,” his voice cracked. He wanted to hug her so hard in that moment. Feel her in his arms once more.

“Winchesters aren’t the only ones who can come back,” she said coyly. “Don’t think I crawled out of hell just to rescue your ass.”

“You were in hell?”

“They told me it was heaven, it might have been, but it didn’t suit me.”

Jody laughed. “You know she ‘liberated’ several other people from Heaven along her away who weren’t done living just yet? You boys have a lot to catch up on.” Jody looked around, hands twitching for her gun.

“We need to get you out of here. Alex borrowed some wheelchairs from the hospital we’re going to have to use to take you back, your muscles must be made of jello right now from all the relaxant he was feeding you.”

“Who is he?” Dean said sharply, trying his best to sit and failing.

“We’ll tell you all that later. Don’t know the full story ourselves yet. Claire’s been spearheading this one.”

Sam saw the pride and fear in Jody’s eyes as she said this. Claire was growing up, was grown up. It was hard in Sam’s head –and he knew Dean’s too – to consider Claire out there doing what she did. But they’d been in the same position at her age.

 _And look where that got us_ , Sam sighed to himself.

*******

“Tell them what you told me,” Claire pointed the taser baton at the guy, finger over the button that turned on the electric pulse. He whimpered and tried to squirm away. The tight knots around his torso attaching him to the back of the bolted-down chair stopped any chance of that though.

The baton was something Sam recognized as normally being used in electrostim play, but he wasn’t going to bring that up right now. Claire seemed pretty relaxed with it in her hand.

“Someone paid me to make sure you three would be out of the way for a while. That’s all I know!”

“Out of the way? They didn’t want us dead?”

The guy shook his head as much as he could. His bottom jaw was shaking in either fear or pain, Sam didn’t know. “I got told killing you was pointless and to get more creative. Come on, lady, I told you everything I know I–” he convulsed as Claire turned the baton on, sending jolts of electricity into his body.

He was pale beneath the sheen of sweat, with scruffy black hair and a nose that had been broken a good couple of times.

“Nice,” Dean beamed at Claire, wincing a little as the stretch of his lips made him aware of how dried and cracked they were.

“Thanks,” she smirked. “So he gets paid to keep you under. Lured you in somehow,” she paused.

“We got no idea either,” said Dean. “That they overpowered Cas as well? Something’s up.” He looked tired, but Sam could see beneath that was the level of exhausted Dean achieved when he was _afraid_. And Sam agreed. Physical battles they could take. This psychological mess though?

“And then to keep you compliant, he put you under, pumped you full of that weird gloopy, orange stuff we found, and let you go on dreaming.”

“Why did they hook us up together like that?”

“Together?” Sam looked at Castiel in surprise. “What do you mean?” Castiel had been woken up first though, he must have seen something Sam hadn’t.

“The equipment was running through all of you initially,” Donna explained.

“He,” Claire kicked the man’s already prone leg, “said it was something to do with adding to you all going along with it. If you were separated, you woke up. Each time you woke up he just put you back under with new situations. The last one went on for a few weeks, apparently the longest. I got really close one time to finding you all, so he moved you.”

“Claire, thank you, thank you for finding us.”

“No problem, Cas. Kinda my job as number one bad-ass hunter.”

“It felt so _real_.” Castiel put his head in his hands. “I felt like something was… off, but...”

“Wait,” Dean held up his index finger. “Wait. You’re saying all three of us,” he pointed to them. “That was like a _shared_ dream? Because I was in that world before, but last time I knew. I knew it wasn’t real. I remember Sam and I were fighting and I hated it.”

Sam squinted at Dean, mind running over their past cases. “You mean the djin back in Illinois?”

“Yeah. Cas wasn’t there at the time, he wasn’t in my vision that time.” Dean frowned and rubbed his hands together. They still felt so cold and numb. For Sam it was more an issue with his feet. Castiel, meanwhile, was feeling it along his spine.

“We hadn’t even met Cas by then,” Sam reasoned.

“Who would want you out of the way badly enough to set all this up?” Eileen interrupted.

“I have no idea,” Sam frowned. “We haven’t–”

“Wait,” Dean grunted.

“Yeah?”

“That means...” Dean’s gaze hardened. “You and Cas _chose_ in your dream to sleep together. You and Cas _slept_ together,” Dean spoke like the words had a gross taste. “Why would you even do that?”

“They what?” Claire laughed.

“Dean, it was all a drugged-up dream.”

“You two?” Donna threw in, looking between Sam and Castiel.

“It really doesn’t matter right now,” Castiel stressed.

“Yeah, it kinda matters a bit, because _ew_ ,” Dean winced. “So very, very ew.”

“Boys,” Jody cut in, “as interesting as this discussion into your subconsciousness is, we really need to focus on figuring out who and why someone would want you out of commission for so long.”

“Sorry, Jody,” Dean was at least good at pretending to be shamefaced.

“You love Cas and I think he loves you too,” Sam stated, wanting to get it out there.

“We know,” Jody said with a roll of her eyes.

“You do?”

“Everyone knows,” Donna agreed. “But focus, boys, focus. World end-y matters here. We’ve been busy the last few weeks while you were taking your extended nap time.”

***

“I get the last cookie because you slept with Cas.”

Dean snapped up the raisin oatmeal off the plate. Sam would allow it, knowing Dean’s dislike for raisins was going to mean it wasn’t really a win for either of them.

“It isn’t cheating if you aren’t a couple and _it was a dream,_ ” Sam stressed, growing a little bored of this conversation already. It wasn’t like it was an issue Dean had raised with Castiel directly.

Dean pouted and took a long draw from his glass of milk, staring down Sam as he drank.

He seemed to Sam to be enjoying their forced convalescence while the others fought the druids pent on ending the world. With their muscle weakness as it was, they’d agreed it was safer if they stayed back. Three days from being woken up even Castiel was not fully back to his normal self.

They all found themselves thankful they had a nurse in the family now to give advice on recovery. A nurse who had done a lot of extra reading, research, and discussing enough hypothetical with a resident at her hospital that Alex had said she worried they probably thought she was planning to put someone into a coma, not help them from coming out of one.

It was probably as close to a vacation as they were likely to get though.

Between the pain, irritation, and boredom at not being able to move like he was used to, Sam’s thoughts had been consumed mulling over what they’d experienced.

More than the thing between him and Cas, Sam had been caught up on another part of their dream.

“Was my subconscious telling me Jess and I wouldn’t have worked out?” The thought had been on his mind constantly. He had to voice it, had to reach out or it was going to consume him.

“No,” Dean said bluntly. Quickly. Almost like he’d been waiting for Sam to ask.

“How are you so sure?”

“‘Cause you were head over heels for that girl.”

“I didn’t want to be with her though.” Sam shoulders were hunched and he curled up on himself a little. He so strongly remembered how he’d felt about Jess in the other world. “In the dream world, at least.”

“You heard what Claire said, that they wanted to keep us a bit unhappy. When they tried to give us everything we wanted we didn’t believe it was real and woke up.”

Sam winced. “We’re pretty fucked up, aren’t we?” They couldn’t dream of a perfect world properly.

“Yup.”

The brothers looked at each other and laughed, which only resulted in them both wincing as they moved sore muscles and bruised limbs.

“Who knows what might have happened with Jess long term, Sam,” Dean sighed. “Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out. But you loved her when you were with her, right?”

Sam nodded. “More than anything,” he paused. “At the time, at least.” He didn’t want to feel confused, conflicted, not over this, not over Jess. But there was no getting around the fact that he did feel out of sorts.

“She’d have wanted you to be happy, you know? People change, they move on, that’s allowed.”

Without Dean saying it, Sam knew he was thinking of their mom in that moment, back in the Apocalypse world, dealing with the knock-on consequences of Michael's obliteration. Even with him gone, they still had many other rogue angels to take out and a society to rebuild.

“I kept having these dreams about Eileen while we were under. Didn’t really realize it was her, but once I woke up it all just fit together.”

Dean quirked his lip. “She’s kickass,” he said with an approving nod. “She might take pity on you and agree to a date, you know, once your arms are strong enough again that you can actually wash your own hair, dress yourself, all those little things.” Dean smirked at Sam as if he wasn’t in the same boat.

Sam rolled his eyes again. At least he was getting plenty of physical therapy for his eyes.

“I think I maybe love him,” Dean blurted out. He was fidgeting with the old knitted blanket he’d taken to keeping draped over his legs.

Not many people would consider hanging out at Jody’s house, wrapped in blankets, and eating soup to be a vacation, the Winchesters had never been _many people_ though.

“Maybe?” Castiel asked, walking in with a tray of soup. He was dressed in his underwear and one of Donna’s personalized silk bathrobes that read “D-Train”. Sam hadn’t asked why, he just assumed he was safer not knowing.

Castiel wasn’t fully recovered yet, but still the strongest of the three of them by far and had taken to doing the heavy lifting. At this point in their journey back to wellness, this included bowls of soup still. He put the tray down on the coffee table.

“Yeah.” Dean sounded so sure, so unwavering, it made Sam smile.

Sam watched as Dean and Castiel locked eyes.

“You love a lot of people, Dean.”

On the wrong day, when he was in a bad way, Dean would probably find a way to sacrifice himself for a cat stuck in a tree. Not that Sam was in a position to really judge.

Dean groaned and put his head in his hands. “It was easier in the other world to do this, you know. To admit to you about how much I want all that.”

“The home, the family, the...”

“The dumb white picket fence.” Dean shook his head. “Well, not that. But what it symbolizes: the feeling of home.”

“It was a good talk,” Castiel smiled.

“You,” Dean pointed at Castiel, then at Sam. “You slept together though. Am I meant to just forget that?”

“We really actually didn’t.”

“Your brain wanted to,” Dean pouted and sat back on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest.

Sam shrugged. “I was curious. I know it’s not like that with me and Cas, Dean.”

Castiel sat down carefully next to Dean. “If it helps, it showed me something important. Showed me that there is a big difference between the positive feelings I have for you both.”

“You’re just annoyed I hit that before you did,” Sam teased, sensing Dean’s walls were crumbling. When he thought about that time with Castiel, he couldn’t even remember the specifics of the night. How big was Castiel’s dick even? It was all so fuzzy in his head now.

“He’s in love with you, you’re in love with him...” Sam looked between his brother and Castiel, silently imploring them to just get over whatever this block was.

“So what? What’s love got to do with anything? Say we get together, say we’re blissfully happy. Shit still happens. It either ends in us breaking up or eventually one of us dying so the other can be alone for the rest of their lives.”

Castiel looked at Dean unblinkingly. “Isn’t it worth the risk? Of all the dumb risks we’ve taken over the years, isn’t this one worth it?”

“You going to tell me maybe it isn’t about where we end the story? Maybe we make it about where we began, so long as it’s together?”

Sam thought of Jess. Of the first time he’d met her. He was so caught up thinking fondly on the moment, he missed when Dean and Castiel started kissing.

There was a warmth in his chest that he’d been missing in recent years as he thought of Jess. He wasn’t ever going to say he was thankful to the monsters that set this all up – they easily could have died while the world around them were destroyed – but he did feel something like closure. The other world showed Sam that even if he and Jess had made it, nothing would have guaranteed they would have been happy forever, nothing would have promised that–

Dean had fingers on Castiel’s shirt buttons and was opening them up, nosing at Castiel’s neck.

“Yeah, guys? I’m going to, ew,” Sam winced and moved over to the front door. “You two have fun, er, safe fun?”

Sam received no reply as he slipped out of the house.

Eileen. That was who he wanted to see. But since Eileen was out saving the world, and Sam was… Sam cast his thoughts for what there was to do. Dean laughed from inside and he could hear Castiel join in too.

Sam shuddered. He was happy for them, he really was but he still picked up a crutch from the porch for added stability and set off towards town to kill some hours. And more importantly, get away from ever having to hear Dean’s orgasm moan. Besides, he had to think up what to say to Eileen next time he saw her.

***

“When I had sex with Sam in the other world–”

“I really don’t want to hear about you and Sam having sex,” Dean was quick to interject.

Castiel sighed. “We didn’t really, you know that.”

Dean shrugged halfheartedly.

“I was so confident though, in the dream world. Over how I could make others happy in that way. It’s something I… lack in the real world.”

“Practice makes perfect,” Dean quipped, wanting to leave the room and not think about the fact Castiel picked Sam over him in the dream world.

“Yes,” Castiel agreed. “And I’d like to practice with you, but, um, for real?”

“Why Sam though, Cas? Why did your unconscious mind go for him?”

“You know that’s not how it works.” Castiel picked up on the jealousy in Dean’s tone, but was starting to feel annoyed. “Then why didn’t you tell me in the other world how you felt? This shouldn’t all be on me.”

Dean’s jaw dropped. “You know I–”

“I’ve told you I loved you before.”

“When you were _dying_.”

“I still meant it,” Castiel said firmly. “I’ll always mean it, I wouldn’t just throw around words like that because–”

The rest of Castiel’s sentence got stolen by Dean’s lips pressing down on his own lips.

Dean sat back and licked his lips. “In the dream world I was still thinking about kissing you way too much. Even if none of it was real,” Dean scratched the back of his neck, looking flush in the face. He swallowed and tried again. “Even if it wasn’t real, Cas, I still wanted you to be with me. And I don’t just mean for sex, I mean… everything.”

His eyes pleaded with Castiel to understand, to get fully what was happening between them.

Castiel didn’t need any more prompts though.

“I love you,” he said once more, fingers quivering as he reached up to touch Dean’s cheek. Needing contact with Dean more than anything else right there and then.

The words _I know_ were there on the tip of Dean’s tongue, begging to be said, but maybe this wasn’t the time.

“Good,” Dean settled on, cocking an eyebrow. “Because I do too, love you, am in love with you, I mean. So...” his voice wavered a little, fear, excitement, _hope_ , all settling there, so close. “Good,” Dean nodded to himself.

Castiel’s thumb was gentle stroking over Dean’s stubble.

“Nothing has to change if you don’t want it to.” Castiel’s voice was firm but his eyes were warm.

“And if I want it to change?” Dean moved a touch closer. “What if I don’t want to spend any more time feeling like I’m wasting an opportunity?”

It was Dean’s turn to lean in and kiss Castiel. More thoroughly than their last, with more depth and heat as Castiel reacted back.

“You were kind of a horn dog in the dream world,” Dean smirked.

“And you were kind of a workaholic.”

“I do live and breathe my work,” Dean pointed out between sweet kisses to Castiel’s neck.

“That’s… that’s true,” Castiel gasped slightly. “I don’t think the other me enjoyed all the one-time-only sex.”

Dean pulled back to frown at Castiel. “Then why did he do it?”

“Because he, I,  couldn’t have you,” Castiel put simply. It was undoubtedly more complicated than that, but Castiel didn’t have it within his mind to work through the minutia. “Because I wanted to feel a connection with someone. But wanted to be free to be with you.”

“I would have wanted you to be happy, Cas. I _do_ want you to be happy, and safe. Mostly safe.”

That shouldn’t have made Castiel’s cock twitch like it did, but he realized over the years he had less control over his body than he used to assume.

“Traditional protocol at this point would be for us to get dressed up, go out, share a meal and an activity of some sort.”

“Are you asking me on a date, Cas?” Dean smirked.

“I said traditional. I feel we’re… maybe beyond that?”

One moment they were sitting on the couch. The next Dean had tugged Castiel up and was kissing him deeply, rubbing up against him, both trying to press as closely together as they could, a few more buttons getting undone.

Dean pinned Castiel against the closed door, arms crossed behind Castiel’s back, embracing him, breathing him in as he indulged in the moment.

“We should go somewhere more private,” Castiel suggested while he rotated his hips into Dean’s. Pelvis to pelvis, almost nose to nose. Everyone but them was out for now, but neither knew how long that would last. As long as saving the world took, in theory.

Dean felt dizzy with need, but the throb in his back reminded him of their recent sojourn.

They moved to the bedroom the three of them had been sleeping in, being sure to turn the key in the lock and keep Sam from accidentally coming in while they were in the middle of whatever was about to happen.

“We should put your tie on the door next time,” Dean joked.

Castiel tilted his head. “I’d hoped by next time we might be out of here, if I’m being honest.”

He missed his space, missed _their home_. The place that was more than just a base of operations. He missed it in the way he used to miss Heaven before that became just some place he used to live, used to exist. It didn’t hold for him the same sense of peace it used to before he’d met Dean Winchester.

Dean nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I’d like to get back soon, too.” Dean dropped onto his bed with a small _oomph_. He felt tired just from the walk there. “Cas, I don’t know what I’m really going to be good for,” Dean said, downcast and already just so tired with feeling tired. “I want to suck your cock,” he admitted now he was in a position to admit such things. “And then cuddle with you, naked,” he added shyly.

Castiel sat down next to him and took Dean’s right hand in his left. He recognized the sensation of hand holding like this from the dream world. Remembered liking it, appreciating the contact it gave him.

“That’s understandable, Dean. I’m not feeling completely myself again yet either.” Castiel looked down and could see Dean’s cock was still pretty hard, outlined nicely in the pajamas he had on. “Though…”

“Yeah?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to blowing you.”

Now the idea was in his head, Castiel wanted to test it out. To see if it was anything like his dream-self had thought and if he’d enjoyed it as much as his dream-self had.

“Blowing me?” Dean asked, incredulous.

“Would you prefer I use the term oral sex? Oral making love, maybe?” Castiel teased.

“Er…” Dean thought a moment. He shuffled further onto the bed. “This is going to sound lame.”

“I’m listening.”

Dean fell asleep that night, wrapped warmly and safely in Castiel’s arms. Castiel had been very happy with Dean’s suggestion of cuddling. And when they were feeling more healed they agreed they would discuss moving onto _advance_ _cuddling._

It wasn’t the most traditional of beginnings. But then what was traditional about the story of an angel and the human he’d once rescued from hell?

As the days turned to weeks, and to months, Dean and Castiel did what they could. They learned about each others’ bodies as best they could until such a time that Dean was finally healed and Castiel was back to his most recent definition of normal for himself.

“Nuuughhh,” Dean moaned. “You’re good, you’re very good.”

“Why thank you, Dean,” Castiel said through gritted teeth, jaw clenched, muscles sleek and proving their power.

Dean started to moan again. The sound of Castiel’s breathing so close to his ear driving him just as wild as the sensation of Castiel’s delicious cock sliding in and out of him, making him feel so good.

“You know Sam’s going to get cranky if you continue to be this loud though.”

Dean laughed and faux moaned even louder than his real moan had been.

“You gonna stop me?” Dean’s eyes creased with happiness as he teased his bedmate.

“No,” Castiel smiled down at him indulgently, cock still moving silky-smooth and oh so very fulfilling.

It was really more poor Eileen who had to put up with Sam being cranky over his disturbed sleep. Yeah, they might be loud, but Dean found it difficult to care while he was busy being so happy. He’d bought Sam a pair of noise-canceling headphones – what else was there for it?

“And also: stop mentioning my brother when you’re inside me.”

“You’re the one who keeps,” Castiel swiveled his hips to just the right spot making both of them sigh happily, “who keeps bringing up my father.”

“Oh God, ohhhhh God yes,” Dean played along, back arching slightly, head coming up off the pillow. Sure, the muscles in his thighs in places were starting to cramp up, but he’d put up with that for hours if it meant more of this. More of this sensation of feeling so safe, yet so connected to someone he knew loved him.

Castiel rolled his eyes but leaned in to kiss Dean soundly, mingling their breath together for a moment, the pistoning action stopping so they could share in these other sensations completely.

“I love you,” Dean slurred happily.

“And I love you,” Castiel returned, taking the opportunity to pump Dean full of cum.

“Your eyes roll back a little when you orgasm,” Dean said with a sly grin, forever fascinated every day at the new things he was learning about Castiel.

Castiel gently pulled out. He wiped the left over cum and lube on his cock onto his palm and used it to ease his way through working Dean to orgasm too. The dream world had certainly left Castiel with a lot of ideas Dean wouldn’t have thought Castiel could have ever of come up with.

“You mumble in your sleep, often, and loudly,” Castiel hit back.

“Eh,” Dean shrugged, rolling on his side now so he could face Castiel. “At least I’m cute enough to watch sleep.”

Castiel kissed him on the nose and smoothed down his hair. “That’s one way of putting it.”

“Goodnight, Cas,” Dean mumbled, his orgasm leaving him pleasantly sleepy and at peace for once.

“Goodnight, Dean.”

Castiel watched Dean for a moment before slipping on his own pair of sound-proof headphones and pressing play on his phone. Audiobooks and lying besides Dean might not have been a normal way to spend an evening together, but they were nowhere near the definition of normal and Castiel needed something to do all night. The lights being off stopped him from reading research volumes, which he’d come to decide was really a blessing.

He became distracted around 3am by Dean’s hips, the curves he had, and so he settled in to watch Dean’s chest move gently as he slept. His phone vibrated on the bedside table drawing his eyes away though. It was Sam, checking to see if he was awake.

“Sam, what’s wrong?” Castiel had wrapped Dean’s robe around him securely and stood, frowning with concern as he watched Sam pace up and down the length of the kitchen.

“Things with Eileen are going really well.”

“Okay?”

Sam grabbed a section of his own hair, ruffling it. It took a few deep breaths before he could get out the question that had been haunting him.

“What if this isn’t real, Cas?”

Castiel would have been lying to say the thought hadn’t occurred to him.

“It is real. Everything about my grace tells me this is real.” Castiel had done extensive self-reflection. As his strength grew, he pawed at as much as the universe as he could, trying to figure out if there were holes that pointed to this all being a self-contained dream.

“And you trust your grace?”

“Are you feeling an urge to kiss me again, Sam?”

“What!?” Sam asked in disbelief. “Er, no?”

“I think we’re good then.” Castiel smiled at Sam, looking tired but energized. “Be happy, Sam. Eileen wants you to be. Dean and I want you to be.”

“That’s your entire plan? Just pick to be happy?”

“No, but I’ve lived much longer than you, and spent most of that not knowing happiness or the concept. And then I found you and Dean, and everyone else in our weird, perfect little family. At some point I figured it’s about time I learn how to be happy. Things aren’t perfect right now,” Sam snorted at the understatement, “but when are they ever? We’re together though.”

“This is real,” Sam said to himself like a mantra.

“Yes,” Castiel nodded. “Same way that Dean’s socks really do smell and tomorrow we have to track down that collector, probably dodge some vampires. You know, the normal.”

“The family business,” Sam smiled to himself. “Thanks, Cas.”

Sam fell back to sleep happily curled up with Eileen. Castiel went back to bed too, slipped his headphones on, pressed play once more and cuddled up with Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With thanks again to the wonderfully talented artist I had the pleasure of working with through this [vampire-on-my-shoulder](https://vampire-on-my-shoulder.tumblr.com/)
> 
> The [art master post and be viewed here!](https://vampire-on-my-shoulder.tumblr.com/post/178185756075/written-by-perfackles-art-by) Please check it out and give the artist some love.
> 
> And finally, feel free to come say hi on Tumblr! I'm [perfackles](http://www.perfackles.tumblr.com/) for anything Supernatural related. 
> 
> Or my general fun-filled account [coconutice22](http://www.coconutice22.tumblr.com/). 
> 
> And thanks for reading!


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